Searching for my path

I decided to start writing a blog due to the immense amount of information I collect daily and the lack of a proper medium in which to share that information with others. I, along with millions of others, do use Facebook on a semi-regular basis, but I oftentimes feel as though the thoughts I share that have real substance and material to them are the ones most easily ignored by others. Thought-provoking topics are skimmed or skipped by many.

What’s been on my mind the most these days is finding my path in this life.

I’ve been in a particular predicament for a period of time now. It’s called being poor. Now, please don’t misunderstand – I mean first-world-country poor. I’ve been lucky enough that most nights I’ve had a roof over my head (except nights of course in which I chose to sleep under the stars ^^), and clothes, and blankets to warm me when I’ve needed them, and depending on the circumstances I’ve also had food. I’ve also not had these things, but then again what is classified as ‘food’ in our society has been at war with my digestive system for well over a decade now so sometimes the starvation was by choice as it’s better that than the repercussions. Most times I’ve had access to the internet and the ability to continue to work, at least part time. I have been lucky  to have people around me with big hearts and patience that have helped me in so many ways – with a place to sleep, with food I can eat, with healing hugs, with a listening ear, with a warm and soothing presence. What is even more beautiful is that they all wish for me to find what will make me happy.

The more I have sought happiness, the more it has been unattainable – for I was constantly looking at outside forces in which to latch my happiness upon. Whether it be achieving a substantial specific goal (like earning my master’s in physics) or successfully being part of a relationship (friend, partner, family member, etc.), I placed all of my energy and meaning into that one thing, a thing outside myself. I did not trust myself to make that choice. Coming to the realization that I have directly influenced the outcome of every situation in my life is still a work in progress, as is forgiving myself for the massive mistakes I have made and for all the pain I have inadvertently caused. The process of healing myself is still underway, but through the self-inflicted agony I have begun to discover what things I have passion for, what things I give meaning to. The only way to truly find yourself is to completely lose yourself first – for only if it is lost can it be found.

With such a strong feeling of loss, I’ve done what every person with an internet connection would do – I started reading articles and watching videos. I looked for guidance via google. By doing this, I surely have come across some useful and helpful advice that has aided me, but what I noticed most was what I spent my time reading. What my mind focused on, what I was finding important. Right now, there are more than 20 tabs open in my web browser with content including quantum relativity, meditation to connect to your Higher Self, the concept of time,  parallel worlds, how consciousness creates reality.. one can see a pattern occurring here – I possess the never-ending desire to understand the universe around me, and I have much to say on these topics. However, there is more to this existence than understanding it; one must experience it. I want to change how I’ve been experiencing my reality, and thus explains the numerous other tabs open that include The Moneyless Manifesto, 1% for the Planet, Steps for Setting up a Beehive, Forming Sacred Relationships with the Four Elements, Energy Healing 101, Tiny Home Living, What’s On My Food?, and a Logic Pro X tutorial as I am learning the software (got a midi keyboard as a present recently and it’s inspired me to start making music again).

So still I search for what will give my existence the meaning I desire it to have. Perhaps the answers I seek are hidden in the information I am acquiring, or perhaps it is my digestion and regurgitation of this information is in fact part of my path. Perhaps a mix of both. I know I want to help those experiencing this existence with me. I want to help us all reconnect with the natural wonders of this world. And I want to enjoy every moment of it.

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